The Moment I Typically Surrender to the Inevitable
October 30, 2020
"I have run out of ideas. I'm behind on creating posts. It's getting colder. Covid, Covid, Covid. There is so much to learn and I'm not learning it fast enough. I'm not good enough to do this. I always fail. I've bitten off more than I can chew. What was I thinking?!"
That's the voice of doubt in my head. My internal critic. Every time I look at the computer or my camera, these are the thoughts that pass through my head. Over and over and over. I have even found myself doing unusual activities to avoid thinking about this project. I have been very tidy and put my camera away in its bag and placed the bag on a shelf out of sight - not in my normal character. I have put together a new desk and disassembled my whole work area and cleaned it all within an inch of removing the paint from my work surfaces, all to keep from opening Adobe Premier and learning to edit some video. Even this blog post is delaying me from opening Premier.
In just about any project, this is the moment when I typically quit. I chuck whatever work I may or may not have done right in the bin and forget the whole thing. I usually don't even get this far. I find anything that seems like it's a remotely plausible excuse and run, run, run!
Not this time.
Okay. With more conviction.
That's better. I almost buy it.
None of this is easy. I am standing up here, on my super tiny stage, a stage that looks pretty vast from this point of view, showing myself off to anyone on the Internet that happens to pass by. I am trying to create art in at least two mediums, mediums in which I am by no means expert. I have given myself permission to suck, but I am giving everyone on the planet permission to watch my repeated flubs, gaffs and failures. A smarter person would quit.
But, I have a cunning plan! I have been doing something I typically do on just about any project I begin, only this time, I've turned it up to 11. When I start a new hobby or project, I tend to buy stuff. I tend to make kits. I have a leather working kit and a jewelry making kit and a friendship bracelet kit and several watercolor kits - I even built a new one of those for THIS project! When I make these kits, I try to spend as little as possible. I can mentally cost justify ditching a project or a whole hobby if I spent less than $100 dollars on it. But not this time! Oh no!
Tiny, no? Pretty, no?
Yes!
Why would a travel blogger, vlogger and photographer need a new watercolor kit?
I don't know, either. This is my brain!
No, this time I am BUYING EVERYTHING! I bought a new (inexpensive) camera, I bought a new camera bag (had to make a kit!) and three different ways to mount the cam. I'm buying lights, I'm up to five - all are relatively inexpensive, but still. I've bought office furniture for my apartment and I'm standing at my new desk as I write this. I bought the whole Adobe Creative Suite (at a good discount). Before the end of the year, I'll likely upgrade to a new PC and either before the end of the year or early next, there is about $6000 in camera equipment I'm likely going to pull the trigger on. Once I have spent that much money, I can't just drop it. At least I hope I can't. I'll break my cheap little heart!
All money concerns aside, all the toys aside, I am really having fun with this project. I am learning so much! I wish I had started playing with Adobe After Effects a long time ago! Premier is daunting me at the moment for some unfathomable reason, but I'll soon move past that. I'm looking forward to learning all the technical ins and outs of real photography. I love to learn and there is so much here, I don't think I'm going to be able to stop myself from coming back to the well to learn more and more.
I'm not out of ideas. There's plenty here for my to learn and enjoy. Hopefully you, my dear reader, will enjoy hanging out and watch me bumble through all of this. I promise I will try to...
Keep On Going.