Guilt and the Midnight Crisis
June 6, 2021
It's 12:23 AM on a Sunday.
It's been six weeks since I've produced anything for this project. No blogs, no vlogs, nothing.
I have plenty of creative urges, but I have more doubts and plenty of guilt.
In the last six weeks, it's dawned on me, quite heavily, that this project isn't about creative urges or wanderlust. No. It's much more basic than that. It's about mortality. I feel as if I have wasted my life. I watched my mother die in a hospital last year. My job kinda sucks. I turn 50 in November.
This project is about a simple, predictable, midlife crisis. Some men buy a flashy sports car. Some have an affair with a woman half their age. I bought a prosumer camera and a subscription to Abode Creative Cloud.
The problem is that I have fallen off the creative horse and I can't seem to get back in the saddle. I'm having a lot of doubt and guilt issues. Some of it is just so frustratingly stupid.
About two months ago, I promised a friend I would attempt to make something for her out of leather. I like to play with leather now and then. Okay. Let's be honest - I like to buy leather and leather working tools and think about all the cool things I could make if I was more skilled as a leather worker. My art table is full of leather tools and the project is about a third done. And there it sits. I can't bring myself to finish because it's gone pretty well and I don't want to screw it up. I'd like to play with my watercolors or do some other projects, but that would mean giving up on a project I promised a friend.
So, instead, I watch YouTube.
My mom's house is a whole thing. It's a mess. She'll be gone a year in July. I need to clear it out and sell it. But, I get there, I get overwhelmed by the task, I get a little emotional - I just want it to go away. Then I hear my friend's voice in my head: “Just do one thing. Just start.” I can't even bring myself to do that.
So, instead, I watch YouTube.
I want to work on this project. I want to play with video or photography, but I need to finish that leather project. I want to travel, but I should be working at my Mom's.
So, instead... yeah.
Yesterday, Saturday, I didn't do much of anything. I had the whole day. I could not bring myself to touch that damn leather project. Just finish it already! Today, Sunday, I need to go over to my Mom's and at least clean out her mailbox. For a dead woman, she gets a ton of catalogs! Will I take out even one bag of trash? We'll see. Meanwhile, I've stayed up until 2 AM doing a blog post.
Maybe I'll go watch some YouTube.